Life

I am exhausted. I am energized. I am up at 6 starting a load of laundry, pulling weeds and picking tomatoes. I am late to work because I get distracted by the bees meandering around my mint plants and my perfect moment of joy, being in tune with the universe, makes me not care one bit. I take a break to have breakfast with my grandpa and tell him about my day so far. We talk about his childhood and how much quieter things were when all he had to worry about was whether or not the harness was mended. I revel in being a part of his story. I am home at lunch with the dryer going, dusting counter tops, vacuuming my floor, chopping watermelon to throw in the food dehydrator with one hand and eating a sandwich with the other. After work I’m on the mower at my grandpa’s for two and a half hours before coming straight home to hop on a different mower to mow around paddocks until dark and then feed horses and chickens and stumble up the driveway under the most brilliant moon I have ever seen to take a quick shower and grab dinner before I turn around to finish up watering the horses to the sound of a tree frog chorus. Then it is home again to chop tomatoes and chat with my loved ones for an hour or two before falling blissfully exhausted into bed and waking up to start in again.

This is my life, and it is perfect.

Which came first?

In our case it was definitely the chickens!

Canning Swag

I really wanted to name this post: I <3 blue Balls. You know, the jars! But I didn't. Because I love you.

So, in other news, there is such a thing as canning swag. Who knew?

Let me introduce you to my new love, Ball’s 100 year commemorative blue pint jars. We met last night, and it was love at first sight. Captain America asked me to come in the house and presented me with a giant box and a pocket knife. What did I find inside, but 18 of these beauties all packaged up and waiting to be my partners in crime! Hats off to Captain America and his ability to pick up and act on my weird wants. All it took was me mentioning seeing them in my favorite blog, Chickens in the Road and they magically appeared!

Remind me to pickle him something next week. That boy is going to drown in jam and chutney. I mean affection, affection! *sigh* Food is "intense like", right?

Clear glass jars seem so plain next to them. I mean I can can tomatoes and they’ll look purple! Green beans are going to be SO green this year! My pantry is going to be a freaking work of art! I can hardly wait to try them. It’s a good thing that tomatoes are ripening, cucumbers are out in full force, and the beans are blooming; because next week, next week, these babies are being put to the test!

Can you see heaven parting, and light shining down?
Is that only in my head?
Ahhh-ahhh-ahhh <-angelic chorus

It would be cute if it wasn't terrifying

Last week my dad brought home a baby bird that was hopping around the yard at work’s satellite facility baiting black snakes. He couldn’t find a momma or a nest, so he brought her to my mom. This is not the first time that we have had a baby bird; in fact we actually have raised up kittens, mice, opossums, turtles, whatever needs a mother’s love for whatever reason throughout my entire life. So, dad brings mom this bird, we google her type and what to feed her. Mom and dad left and I sat for twenty minutes trying to feed her moistened high protein dog food with tweezers unsuccessfully. An hour after mom got back from lunch the little gal had a paper towel nest and was chilling out inside my mom’s shirt. I know, I know, weird. She was happy and eating though, so it worked.

As a result of her love of my mom she has warmed up to people completely. She will now fly over and land on your head demanding food whenever you walk into the room.

Spoiled much?

Problem Solving with Lauren

I had great plans for Friday. I was going to mow grass and move hay in addition to capturing the horses for farrier day (equine pedicure) Saturday. There was a wrench in those plans though. First my grandma was in a minor car accident and I had to sit in the emergency room while the doctor told her she had whiplash. Then when I finally got home to mow I found a flat on the lawn mower. Initially I aired it up and had about fifteen or twenty minutes of mowing without problem. Then it went flat. Then it wouldn’t air up when I drove the compressor down to it on the four wheeler. Then the four wheeler wouldn’t start. This brings me to today’s blog, Problem Solving with Lauren.

1.      Discover problem

2.      Stare at it ineffectually

3.      Cry

4.      Curse

5.      Wander seemingly aimlessly around the farm while actually being on a quest for a certain tool that you know you own, but actually cannot find. Anywhere. In this case, a M***** F****** Jack. (Step five actually includes repeating steps three and four)

6.      Get pissed

7.      Turn into Farm MacGuyver and make a jack out of a stick and an overturned wheelbarrow

8.      Apply physics

9.      Shout, “Yeah, take that B****” at the inanimate object of your choosing

10.  Air up tire and go about your merry, feeling on top of the world until the next piece of equipment breaks

With a long enough lever man can move the world. Or a lawn mower. Take that Murphy. You know where you can shove your stupid law!

Baby pictures

Houston, we have squashes!

Aren't they adorable?

Grow, grow into a delicious dinner baby squash!

Seriously, they are so precious I don't know how I am going to eat them. Oh wait, with butter. Mmm mm. Garden fresh goodness!

You don't have to be lonely...

It has taken me awhile to admit this...

W and I broke things off a few months ago. It broke my heart, and even though I know better I felt as though I would never heal. But after a great deal of crying, self pity, and internal debate I did it. I tried online dating a few weeks ago.

FarmersOnly.com is actually a thing. Believe it. Chintzy ads aside, it is pretty fantastic. Imagine if you will that you are fishing, and you know you want to catch a catfish. Do you go hang around fishing holes known for bluegill? No. You go down to the river and throw in your hook where you know there is a passel of channel cat. Dating is similar. I know that a lot of what I am looking for in forever has to do with a rural lifestyle, so why look somewhere else? Laugh, tease, and kid all you like, but for me FarmersOnly was like the Sears and Roebuck catalog of guys (who ALL LOVED and WANTED A RURAL LIFE). Score.

Now, there are some drawbacks to meeting “farmers, ranchers, and good ol’ country folk.” Namely different approached to grammar and in general an intense affection for hunting and beer. I am a self proclaimed grammar Nazi, so that was a bit of a hurdle. Though there aren’t so many guys there that mix up their, they’re, and there as there are in my Facebook newsfeed; so it wasn’t as bad as I had feared. I’m okay with hunting and beer as long as I don’t have to be outside in the early and cold, and as long as it is decent beer. Also, I’m not that picky as to what “decent” is either.

I met a few gentlemen friends on this site, and went on a few dates with mixed results. One guy in particular has stood out in the last two weeks. I have nicknamed him Captain America, and he didn't run screaming away when I called him it to his face. Or when I sang him his theme song. Or when I talked about random dead things on our first date. Bonus. Anyway, there was one other “drawback” that I hadn’t anticipated. Let me give you the back story:

I sent off for my  renewed Firearm Owners Identification Card in December. I didn’t receive it until this week, so I have been unable to previously purchase a firearm to protect myself from varmints or intruders. A few weeks ago my friend’s house was burglarized and I mentioned all of it in a text to the Captain. His response was a resounding encouragement to have a weapon in my house because the results of NOT having one and needing it would be much worse than having one and using it before my card came in. I agreed with him offhandedly and thought nothing of it as I went along my merry (continually texting him images of freakishly large snake sheds and angry bulls).

That is, I thought nothing of it until this week when upon telling him that my card came in; the boy brought a very nice revolver into my house, informed me that it was his snake killing gun and that it wouldn’t matter that I am a horrible shot, and asked me if I would like to keep it until we could go purchase one of my own. **Update: done and done!

To be fair, blithely telling him I was unprotected and then sending him a bunch of stories and pictures of things that could potentially kill me was probably a bad idea. Lookie! I am innocent, and helpless! Gah. What can I say? I am an awkward dater.

But here is the tricky part: we have been on several dates, he has cooked for me and I for him, I have met his horses and he mine, we have worked on his farm equipment a couple of times, and he offered to leave me a gun. Are we friends? Are we seeing each other? Are we dating? Is it exclusive? By accepting possession of this revolver would I somehow perform some part ancient redneck marriage ritual leaving me betrothed, or more? Seriously, it is a NICE gun. The thing could be a bride price, but wouldn’t that go to my dad? It is like Carrie with the shoes in the Sex in the City movie, only a revolver? What is proper etiquette when a guy tries to leave you a gun? Should I clean it? Oil it? Practice shooting so that I can hit the broad side of a barn? Is it like in the Princess Diaries where I am going to have to shoot a target through a flaming hoop to signify something? Because if I have to hit a target at 50 yards I am going to need a lot of practice. 

Also, when he asks me to come over to “help unload his baler” is that code, or did he just buy two balers? Why do you even need two balers? Oh yeah, spare parts, but still. Is it a euphemism? Do good ol' country folk even have euphemisms? Are they like the pick up lines in my last post? What do these things mean!?!? Is it intensely manly and attractive to kill snakes and make boots out of them, or is it creepy? Agh!

Geez, the things I never had to consider when I met a guy at a bar!