It's a redneck weddin'!

I’m pretty sure that I’m redneck married right now. If the gun left at my house was a betrothal of some sort we are definitely there.

Captain America and I bought a tractor together. It is a brand spanking new New Holland T105 with a passenger seat! He wanted it so he could pull a disc mower and a big baler for his custom haying operation. I wanted it because, well, it has a passenger seat! And air conditioning! And a sun roof! They called it a “high visibility panel,” but it has a sun roof! Long story short, it is a tractor with a cab where I won’t have to plaster myself pathetically to the outside of the door like a squashed bug. Which pretty much sucks except in the spring. I mean why wouldn’t I love clinging to the door with my fingertips as I watch my dad inside the heated, air conditioned, and dry cab. With this beast I can  actually sit in the cab and not get jabbed in the butt by the PTO button or a lever that I have to contort myself around so that my beloved can actually turn on the equipment. Not gonna lie, it’s pretty sweet.

Captain was pretty nervous about it. It is a lot of money up front, but it should be the tractor that we can use for the rest of our lives. Tractors don’t depreciate the way that cars do. Even though it made sense to spend the money now rather than later he was nervous about it. That is until he used the disc mower. I’m pretty sure I have never seen him so happy in all the months we have been together. We messed around mowing his pasture in the five minutes of daylight that we had left when we got back to his place. In those five-ten minutes we mowed almost a quarter of the pasture, which had previously taken him maybe half an hour or forty minutes to mow with his other mower. I hopped out to open the gate and when I turned around he had his arms full of freshly mown clover and weeds and I guess it could have been a trick of the fading light, but I think there were tears of joy in his eyes. He was probably saying something about “Look how great it mows!” but in my head he was spinning and dancing through the meadow with this big armful of clover singing in joy. The clouds parted. He ran towards the tractor, there was a dramatic moment where the refrain of “Loving you is easy because you’re beautiful” was playing. There may have been skipping, but I’m not sure because I was being shown clover at that point and my head and heart were bubbly seeing him so happy.

By the way, my head routinely makes real life into some sort of Disney cartoon. I sincerely doubt that it is a diagnosable condition, but I blame Beauty and The Beast.

So yeah, I’m redneck married. You can send all wedding gifts as checks made out directly to Davis Farm Supply. ;)

I guess all that is left to do is figure out which anniversary is the farm equipment anniversary. Captain America says year one, but I don’t believe him. I feel like he may just be angling for a new baler...

Take me for a ride in your big blue tractor.
We can go slow, or go a little faster.

Barnyard Tales Chapter 7: Kinky Cows

“He strode through the gate with an aura of confidence. His taunt muscles rippled beneath his skin, making it dance with power. His jet black hair shone in the bright spring sunlight. His scent was divine; a mix of sweat and pheromones that bespoke more masculinity than words ever could. It wafted towards me on the breeze and commanded my attention. I raised my head and stared, my mouth agape, as my sisters did the same. He was by far the finest specimen of a male I, or any of us, had ever seen. He walked slowly down the hill towards us with a grace and ease that I didn’t know anyone could possess.

It had been months since any of us had seen a male old enough to arouse interest, but here was one. And oh what a one he was!

I’m not sure who started moving first. Was it me? Was it Beulah? I guess it doesn’t matter anymore really. As one we raced across the field towards the male of our dreams. We weren’t jealous, really. I knew that there would be a second place in the race for his affections, but none of that mattered. We would let him sort it out once we got there.”

Excerpt from “The Bull of My Dreams, a Memoir” by Crooked Cow

You might believe that the above quote is an overstatement, but as I watched the sexy hunk of beef that was the rent-a-bull stride off the trailer and into the pasture I swear to you that the above paragraphs describe what the cows felt. Their head’s lifted in unison. Recognition flowed through them like an electric current. As a herd they immediately ran to meet their new beau an began licking him from head to hoof.

Licking him like a freaking lollipop. I kid you not. Those old girls are kinky like that.

And the bull? I could swear he did a chin tilt, “’Sup ladies.” He was THAT confident.

Needless to say we had a bumper crop of calves that year…