I was in a pretty traumatic car crash about two weeks
ago. Physically I'm perfectly fine. The car was totaled, but the safety systems
did their job perfectly. It was 7:58 a.m., and I was turning onto the road
where I work. I don't know if it was the sun in my eyes, or just carelessness,
but I didn't see him. I turned directly into the path of an oncoming car. My
vehicle, which was my dad's car because I had loaned mine to my boyfriend, was
spun 180 degrees.
When I close my eyes I
still feel the weightless sensation of being whipped around, held in place by
the thin seat belt and the explosion of dust in the air from the airbags.
This was my second car totaled while I was driving in four
months. The first one wasn't my fault, but still it was traumatizing.
The whole experience gave me quite a few panic attacks
and a mini-midlife crisis. I still have almost paralyzing anxiety about pulling
out onto the highway. I'm positive that there will be a car there that I don't
see. I'm struggling to find peace with it, release the guilt and shame of it,
and to find a balance of doing what I want when I want (like driving to see CA)
and not taking undue risks.
Anyway, so despite what my friends have started referring to as my "'Nam flashbacks" while I have been
driving I have still been heading to work. One day I happened across an article
in some magazine about PTSD and rewiring the brain through imagination. I found
it VERY motivational.
In other words, imagining all of the ways that I was
going to wreck a car was actually making my trauma worse. Go figure. I can't find the exact article in the
minefield of my father's desk, but the same point is made on healthyplace.com
in their article about neuroplasticity and PTSD. "Hebb’s entire theory argued that
experience can change neuronal structure. What does that mean to you? It means
that while trauma can alter your brain – and hence, the repetitive brain
processes of PTSD – the basis for this change is experience. Following that
philosophy and Hebb’s suggestion, the idea that emerges is that the brain can
change again, due to new experience." How awesome is that?
Healing my trauma boils down to wanting to change that
experience in my own mind. Talk about getting right back up on the horse that
threw you. Obviously it makes sense that the faster that you have a different
outcome from your negative one the easier it is to rewire your brain. That was
part of the original article that piqued my interest in the subject. Negative
pathways haven't had as long to become ingrained behaviors or reactions, so
since it has only been two weeks I still have a relatively easy path. This
stuff seems common sense, but oh my gosh the implications! Car wrecks, horse
bites, bad relationship habits. I'm going to start rewiring myself using
positive imagining by golly!
In other news, that is harder than it sounds. Our brains
WANT to make new connections, but our minds/souls/egos whatever that voice in
our head is called doesn't like to let go and redefine itself nearly so easily.
I'm really struggling with letting go of the idea that I am a bad driver. But
even though I am right back up on that ol' car that threw me; it's a hard
fight. I can barely imagine how hard changing some of my more ingrained bad
habits/reactions/thought processes is going to be. My mini mid-life crisis has
given me a lot of them to consider and try to heal. Do you have any bad thought processes that you need to break? I encourage you to join me on this particular crazy adventure!
Along this journey I also had another though, there must be more to those old sayings than what
I had ever imagined. Getting right back up on the horse that throws you would limit the amount of time that your brain had to make negative connections. It completely supports Hebb's theory! How cool is that? *Sorry had to nerd out there. So, in addition to getting right back up on that horse that
threw me, I'm going to have to start paying attention to not throwing the baby
out with the bathwater, or maybe even learn to not eat the cake that I have.
Though I still don't understand the concept of having cake and not eating it
too. I really think that saying needs to be modified to be something like, "you
can't possibly eat all the food on the super buffet", or "you can't
eat your cake and stay under your daily calorie limit." Maybe, "you can have your cake, but if
you eat it you won't fit in your skinny jeans." I dunno. Some other
analogy about decision making would have to be clearer.
Who in the hell wouldn't eat the damn cake? Seriously.
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