Thursday, May 30, 2013
I am a socially awkward dater.
I don’t go on many first dates because when I do I wind up talking about things like animal spines and deer skulls. I don’t know why. First dates turn me into some sort of sociopath. I panic when faced with a new person that I don’t know, and resort to discussing things I do know, like random dead things in the yard and dehydrated opossum carcasses in the barn. Sexy right? God. No wonder I can’t beat them off with a stick. <-sarcasm
I have found that in addition to the regular things that most girls look for in a guy I also have a weird ranking system that most other women do not have.
Buys flowers Has hand raised baby (raccoon/opossum/cow/deer/etc.)
Respectful Can fix farm equipment (bonus points if with bare hands)
Romantic Finds hay stacking/cow checking/fourwheeling romantic
Good conversationalist Can use chainsaw and gun, preferably not at the same time
In good shape How high can he throw hay
Cares about appearance Smells like: coal smoke, diesel fuel, hydraulic fluid
Takes me to nice/cool places Has sexy farm animals/tractors
Needless to say I was devastated when Boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago. I felt a crushing sense of depression. I have so many weird little ticks and idiosyncrasies that I really felt like I would be doomed to be alone forever. The echoing moos across the hills would be my only music. Horse hugs would be the extent of my comfort. In short, since I was so dedicated to my farm lifestyle it was a choice between being alone and doing what I love, or being in love and doing what made me miserable. I chose to stick to my guns with my lifestyle choice, and lead the life of a hermit if need be. I pictured the ends of my days driving a tractor across a barren landscape hopping off to cut bale strings to the agitated bawling of newborn calves, and I was strangely okay with it. After all, I’m tweaked a little differently. I don’t particularly want a life of leisure, and if a guy can’t appreciate my work ethic and lifestyle choices I would probably make him miserable in the long run. I wouldn’t want to do that to someone I cared for.
So what is a girl with horrible dating skills to do? Use redneck pick up lines?
“You can come drive your t-posts at my place anytime.” Suggestive wink…
“You’re right. I don’t need vinyl fence boards. I need wood. Badly.” Come hither look…
“Would you like to follow me home and plow my field?” Hint of a suggestive chin tilt…
Somehow I really don’t see those working out for me. I mean. They’d work on me, but it would take a special someone for me to use them on. But then again, maybe when I find a guy that I can share a glass of wine and swap “things the dogs drug into the yard” stories with maybe he will appreciate those too.
Because I giggle like a moron every time I read them.
Maybe I should just become a nun…